My sleep pattern is sometimes disturbingly regular. I go to bed shortly after midnight, sleep uneventfully until 5.30Am when I'll get up to get a glass of water then go back to sleep until a nightmare wakes me up at 7.20AM when I will lie still until my alarm goes off ten minutes later at 7.30 and then ten minutes later at 7.40 when I either get up or set up my computer so I can at least be doing something. Exactly that has happened for 3 or 4 nights in a row quite a few times, I welcome things that break that schedule like the folk night at Corks where just the fact that I've been socialising and probably drinking later into the evening means that the pattern is broken and my sleep will probably be deep enough that nightmares wont hit.

Hopefully, when term starts, I will spend less time feeling sorry for myself during the day and more time getting tired, so that I can actually sleep properly and not have a fucked up - if disturbingly regular - sleep pattern.

In other news, Internet friendships are confusing. It looks like a big chunk of IRL friendships will just be forgotten and new ones welcomed, which is okay I guess.

Blog is an awful word.

I'm subscribed to an awful lot of blogs on Google Reader. I try to read them all as much as I can. Some are blogs owned by friends, some by celebrities (y'know, our type of celebrity, not the boring type) and some by people who I don't know anything about but who write interesting blogs.

Blog is an awful word for something that people spill thier hearts and thier brains over. Vlog is an worse word. The sound just has no romance to it. Diary sounds better but it isn't the same thing.

Anyway, one of the blogs that I read regulary is is Hayley's (from 5AGirls) which she regulary fills with epic quotes from pieces of great literature. Her other posts are fairly personal ones which bare no relevance to me, having met her once and never really spoken to her. It bugs me like hell that someone significantly younger than me has read so much more than me and has a proper appreciation for literature.

I have an A-Level in English (lit&lang) so I think it's fair to say that I can read - I just don't do so as much as I used to or as much as I'd like to. A lot of my friends study English actually, and what I'm coming to realise is that I really miss it. Don't get me wrong, I love what I'm studying at the moment but I am getting really nostalgic for discussing books with people who know them well and can explain all the bits that I don't get.

I have a whole lot of homework to be getting on with, some of which I am motivated to do and some of which just gets me angry at myself every time I start to stuggle with it. I am more or less optimistic about this term - I'm having regular meetings with the senior tutor which is helping me keep on top of things and not get lost in my own apathy and fustration. I think if I were studying something that involved more conversation that maths then I'd be able to keep engaged closer to 100% of the time.

Again, I am doing to degree that I want to do and that isn't going to change.

I really want to start asking tutors for help more often, which isn't practically difficult but I'm still sort of afraid to do it. Fears of failure or of looking stupid seem to be self fufiling profecies.

My social life is sort of all over the place - I'm closer to people that are further away and I'm feeling aliented when I'm with people I see every day. Nothing is wrong, at all, not with anything. Or at least nothing that I can't handle. But I still find myself moping and not bothering to work or to talk to people. I'm acting like a bloody teenager.

That Skype Meme

This has been going around a lot, people are writing a message to each of their Skype contacts, like so.

- I'm not good at making friends that quickly, try not to expect too much of me.

- I love that you bothered to start talking to me.

- The first time we met was weird, but my opinion of you has steadily risen ever since.

- We hardly ever talk, but whatever.

- I don't think I should spend every conversation I ever have with you in competition.

- You are very smart, don't waste it.

- My efforts to make friends with you are continuously stymied by your efforts to make friends with everyone.

- I don't get you in the slightest.

- You're fucking weird, good on you.

- We have nothing in common at all and we shouldn't work as friends, but what should be never really happens.

- I am fucking fed up of having to justify the fact that I like you. You know that you're awesome and it would be swell if you could show some other people.

- I'm nostalgic for our friendship, which is weird because it was at it's peak less than a year ago.

- You being nice to me has had a bigger effect that I could really describe.

- You know full well that you upset me and you think it's okay because I still say that I love you, I hate that.

- I guess you'll live your life and I'll live mine, we'll meet up occasionally and exchange notes.

- I don't think this is your real account.

- However little we talk, I still sort of feel that we grew up together, I think you've had a pretty big influence on me.

- I'll never stop learning while you're around.

- You've got a lot to say but not the voice to say it, you remind me of myself and it scares me.

- I don't any more feel like I need to justify myself to you, I don't ever feel the need to impress you and when I'm around you there is no way that I have to act. I love that.

- I'm sorry but I can't trust you and I wont ever confide anything in you. You remind me too much of people who have bullied me or taken advantage of me in the past. It's worse because you'll never understand this.

- You're a friend on two completely separate levels, one of which really shouldn't exist because it is going to destroy the other.

- Everyone loves you and with good reason. You're a case study for the fact that awesome people do exist.

- I wish I could show you a way out of the labyrinth.

Obviously not everyone is included.

I've started this blog a few times, the truth is that I didn't really want to write it, I want to talk to someone but not the whole Internet right now.

I love you guys. So much. But right now I need to properly talk to someone and get my life sorted out post haste. I've been hanging out online less because the mountain of other things that I've been hiding from has grown enough that it's shaddow covers basically my whole day no matter what I do (fucking hell that was a horridly mixed metaphor). 

It's not all terrible, and honestly I think I am going to survive, but I've really been forgetting to be awesome recently. And on a day such as this I'm more a fan of awesome than I am of Christmas.

Fine, just fucking fine. I'll jump on your bandwagon.

Is that what you wanted, Peer Pressure?

1. What’s your name?
If you don't my name already and you're reading this then you're an idiot.

2. What is your favorite thing to wear?
Jeans and a torn up t-shirt.

3. Last thing you ate?
A triangle sandwhich.

4. One place you will NEVER eat at?
A sewer, maybe? This is an odd question.

5. I say Shotgun, you say:
Okay, whatever, I'll call it on the way back though.

6. Last person you hugged?
Some 'tuber, I'm not sure exactly whom.

7. Does anyone you know wanna date you?
Not to the best of my knowlege.

8. Would you date anyone you met online?
Don't see why not.

9. Name something you like physically about yourself:
I'm not hidiously ugly, I guess, well, at mirrors don't spontaniously smash when I walk past.

10. The last place you went out to dinner to?
The last time I actually sat down in a resturant was after the UnCliche gathering in Cha Cha Moon with Jazza and Jaydee and someone who's name I'm terribly sorry but I've forgotten.

11. Who is your best friend?
Best friends are a strange concept, I don't think I ever really had one.

12. What time of the day is it?
Nearing the end of Charlie-time, which I'm not partaking in, shortly before dinner-time.

13. Who/What made you angry today?
The human condition, and my phone giving out right when I can't afford a new one.

14. Baseball or Football?
I really don't care either way. I guess kicking a ball is less stupid than buying a stick specifically to hit a ball with.

15. Ever gone skinny dipping?
No.

16. Favorite type of Food?
Kebab - but only if I strictly had to chose a favourite.

17. Favorite holiday:
Holidays are boring. If I'm not doing stuff then I just get depressed.

18. Do you download music:
There are other ways to buy music, now?

19. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
Urm... well, I care to the extent that I will throw them in the laundry, but I wont get upset about it.

20. Opinion of Chinese symbol tattoos?
I consider myself far too interesting a person to have an opinion on this matter.

21. Would you date the person that posted this?

Shitloads of people have posted this. I'm pretty sure John started it off, but he's married. Actually, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't date any of the people that have posted this.

22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?
Urm, people have fufilled my requests for songs and stuff.

23. Do you love anyone?
I don't see how you can manage not loving anyone when there are so many utterly lovable people in the world.

24. Are colored contact lenses sexy?
Like John, I prefer real-eyed sexy.

25. Have you ever bungee jumped?
No.

26. Have you ever gone white-water rafting?
No. I don't know how to get involved in doing interesting things, also I don't care.

27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?
Yes, everyone in the fucking world is attracted to me, what do you expect.

27. How many pets do you have?
None, I don't see the point in pets.

29. Have you met a real redneck?
I don't think rednecks are wont to turn up in England.

30. How is the weather right now?
Cold and wet and dark.

31. What are you listening to right now?
My typing.

32. What is your current favorite song?
I live on global shuffle.

33. What was the last movie you watched?
Zack And Miri Make A Porno, which is even more hilarious than it sounds.

 
34. Do you wear contacts?
No, nor glasses, nor a monacle.

35. Where was the last place you went besides your house?
University, obviously.

36. What are you afraid of?

Failure.

37. How many piercings have you had?
None.

38. What piercings do you want?
None right now.

39. What’s one thing you’ve learned this year?
People are aproximately 462948736321 times more awesome than I thought was possible.

40. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Americano is more or less the only esspresso based coffee that I regularly drink.

41. What Magazines are you reading?
Magazines? WTF is this? The 20th Century?

42. Have you ever fired a gun:
Yes, at one of those crappy things that you go on school trips on to make sure that your life is miserable 24/7 for one week to give you a break from the standard combination of miserable and boring that makes up the rest of your school days.

43. Are you missing someone?
Terribly.

44. Favorite TV show?
At the moment, it's probably Spooks.

45. Do you have an obession with WoW?
No, it's a video game. Things to get obsessed about are political causes, practical skils, self improvement around a solitary factor, pretty girls and shiny things. Not video games. Fucking weirdo wowfag gamer freaks *grumble* *grumble*

47. Has anyone said you look like a celebrity?
Yes, lots of celebrities.

47. What celeb do you look like?
Myself.

48. Who would you like to see right now?
Anyone.

49. Favorite movie of all time?
Hell I don't know, movies are boring (see John's explination of this)

50. Do you find yourself loved?
I guess.

51. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren’t suppose to?
Well, "weren't supposed to" is fairly subjective, I'm going to say no.

52. Favorite smell?
ozone.

53. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn?
You know what's wonderful, zebra popcorn.

54. What’s something that really bugs you?
Stupid people.

55. Do you like Michael Jackson?
Never met the guy.

56. Taco Bell or Burger King?
Never been to a Taco Bell. They sound kind of okay I guess.

57. What’s your favorite perfume?
ewww... perfume is for girls.

58. Favorite baseball team?
Baseball has teams?

59. Ever call a 1-900 phone number?
I'm guess that means premium rate, in which case yes I voted for something on one telly thing once.

60. What’s the longest time you’ve gone without sleep?
Probably less than 30 hours, I like to sleep reguarly.

61. Last time you went bowling?
When Mhazz was in London for a while and some other people hung out and it was lovely and wonderful.

62. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
Worchester. inowtfrite.

63. Who was your last phone call?
My mum.

64. Last time you were at work?
Fucking ages ago.

64. What is the closest orange object near you?

A textbook.

On hate and friends

Sometimes I glad no-one reads this.

Alex Day's diary really irritates me sometimes, it's perhaps the most annoying facet of Alex, which is okay I guess since everyone needs a place to rant pointlessly.

Here's the thing. He says that all the hate and cliquely exclusiveyness happens all the time and that everyone else ignores it: that is bullshit, everyone else doesn't ignore it they don't fucking involved.

It really is that simple, you don't have to gossip and bitch and hate, it's not compulsory and niether is being on the recieving end of it. Noone is forcing you to suffer at the hands of people who don't live anywhere near you.

Okay, teenagers are going to be teenagey, but if it pisses you off then you can just detach yourself from it, it's pretty fucking easy.

Today

7 years and fifty five days ago (I maybe wrong, that's completely not the point) I walked home slowly, I stopped by a newsagent and got something to eat before walking the rest of the way and I really didn't give a fuck about anything at that time. As far as I was concerned the world was a little bit crap and I was having a particularly crap time but that was all there was to it. Then I got into the house and my mother told me 'oh Paul, something terrible has happened'. Around that point I woke up to the world around me. Before then politics and ethics and culture were all things that were there to make me look clever but from the moment my mother said those words the whole world began to matter.

Of course I didn't understand fuck all about what was going on, but watching people die on television repeatedly for the whole afternoon had an impact on me, enough so that I can feel my eyes welling right now.

Back then I had ideas about good and evil that seem stupid to me now but the truth was dawning on me. People, and not just a few but in fact most of the world, are scared.

People are scared that they are going to loose control of their own lives and cultures and jobs and that everything they've ever known will be stripped from them. Years ago I would not have been able to comprehend that kind of fear. It's that kind of fear that drives people to take automatic weapons into schools and aeroplanes into skyscrapers.

I have, one more than one occasion in the past, feared for my own life. That's nothing. There is a worse fear than that: there is fearing for everything. That is the kind of fear that plagues the world and spreads itself so thickly that no one can recall where it came from. I felt a small dose of fearing for everything a matter of hours ago when I saw McCain holding an 18-3 lead, when the light of hope is dwindling and you can see so much less than before it feels like the whole world is getting smaller. For a while as far as I was concerned the student bar was the only room in the whole wide world because if I left it I would not have known what kind of a world I would be walking into.

It's the difference between that feeling and the feeling that maybe things are going to be on the rise that marks how I'm feeling at the moment. I am more relived that excited. Even if Obama is only the lesser of two evils, the idea that the most powerful country in the world thinks that is a good thing makes me feel amazing.

To all my American friends, I love you.
To everyone else, I love you.

This evening or morning or whatever the hell it is, it is history and I love it. We can start thinking about tomorrow now, yes?