Yootooberz

On Saturday I met a load of awesome people from the Internet.

The funny thing about meeting awesome people from the Internet is that you already know they're awesome before meeting them so that aspect isn't all that surprising.

I don't really want to give a detailed account, because other people will do it better. (protip: if you comment, then people will be able to find your detailed account on your blog easier like.)

I think I was a bit too untalkative, which isn't a word, and I couldn't really help being a bit of an outsider, oh well.

What the fuck is a 'PASS'?

So in an idle moment before my head hit the pillow I checked around the Student Data System which is where I get things like timetables and coursework marks.

What I stumble across is

You have been awarded a PASS in Mathematics

Full information will be contained in a detailed transcript which will be forwarded to you as soon as possible.

Which bugs me because I don't know if that means I've actually passed the first year or if that's just their way of putting things. I've been on this earth long enough to release that clarity is not exactly anyone's strong point, at all.

I don't have any more information to go on, I checked my university e-mails and I rifled around in the post to see if anything had been sent to me but got missed. There's nothing. This has set me off panicking like hell and there's no-one on-line let alone IRL that I can moan at about this because well, it's more or less exactly the middle of the night when I'm writing this.

I'd like to explain the implications of a 'pass' in more detail (it doesn't mean anything as damning as what it means in college, for instance) but I really don't know myself.

You might want to tell me that I should be happy about this because a pass probably is a pass but I really don't want to get my hopes up lest it results in me really fucking myself over. Also this has brought my exam results to the front of my mind again.

These are, odly, the first exam results that I've got really emotional about. I wasn't one of those people who said 'oh, I don't care', but I did stand by the 'there's nothing you can do about it now' maxim. The thing is, if I've fucked up this time, then I might loose something that I actually want. That's why, like I perhaps should have been before my GCSEs and ALevels, I'm scared.

In other news, nothing is definite or confirmed or certain or verifiable. I have no idea what next week has in store for me.

I think I need to be more proactive with my life now.

Ce message n'est pas du Spam.

I am waiting to finish my exams. I am waiting for my exams to be finished. It's not like it's me doing them any more, I've got just one left and I feel completely distanced from it, I don't care about doing it or not just so long as the exams period can be over soon.

In a very strange way I miss Essex or at least I really want to be back there now, last time I was there it didn't feel completely like home but right now I don't think Darwin college is my home either. (I'm existentially homeless, how pretentious can you get?) Right now I'm bored, stressed and apathetic towards everything, I'd much rather be feeling all of that in my parent's house.

The title of this blog is taken from some spam that I got today, I found it kind of amusing.

Today...

• It is so hot that car alarms are going off spontaneously. Does anyone know why this happens?
• I am honestly planning to go the library until three in the morning, partially because I can.
• I still smell of barbecue a bit.
• I don't really feel that I'm getting enough sleep, or more that I haven't been for at least a month, my neck is starting to ache and I hope that get some proper sleep before exams so that I have my wits about me enough to remember what the fuck a Bernoulli equation is.
• I still haven't left the flat and it's gone midday, so I've broken my new term resolution already.
• I have no idea what I'm planning to eat or when I'm planning to go shopping.
• Things are basically all okay.
• I will have updated my blog.

I think that list was probably as long as anyone could reasonably pretend to be interested in. I'm going to have a Gatorade for breakfast now, and a coffee for lunch in a few minutes, 'cos y'know, I'm a student.

I'm not that clever, yeah?

This one's a vlog, because it is. Okay.

A commitment to creative output

At some point I really am going to write a book, it'll probably be maths related or something. But that is A Long Term Plan. Before then I plan to get some other writing done (including but by no means limited getting on with current essays).

I'm going to make something, create something, do something sufficiently brilliant that I'll enjoy doing and sharing with the outside world. I want to make something amazing, I want to display something incredible and take credit for it.

There are often ideas that I have that never grow or amount to anything tangible. Henceforth I shall make something of my ideas, I shall learn to be really creative and I'll have something to show for it.

Now that it's in writing, I have no choice.

Funerals

Going to the funeral of someone you never really knew is strange but, as a Friend I was talking to said, it's probably advisable.

I was supposedly door-keeping, but that seemed to be forgotten by the people who would rather they did it, so overall I didn't do much. I set out chairs and put chairs away but for the few hours in between that, that's all I was doing: for lack of room I wasn't even in the Meeting.

Family members cried, friends ministered and it was all very much like you would expect a funeral to be like. I stood just outside of the room without a chair, wondering if Geoff would really have cared about me being there. Since I hadn't even been door-keeping I don't think I was serving much purpose there. I knew I wouldn't be led to speak and I can't but think I shouldn't really have been there in the first place.

I was thinking about what Advice and Queries had to say about funerals:

(30) Are you able to contemplate your death and the death of those closest to you? Accepting the fact of death, we are freed to live more fully. In bereavement, give yourself time to grieve. When others mourn, let your love embrace them.

Honestly only the last bit seemed relevant yesterday, and I don't think I was able to do even that. I'm not in a position to be comforting anyone, let alone healing any wounds. Maybe I'm too young to have to worry about that for now, maybe I should just hang around anyway until I'm needed.